Leaden limbs, crazy head

I've spent a week trying to think of something 'readworthy' to write. I used to have this problem when I kept a paper diary. As if someone is going to read it and 'grade' the diary entry. But this is supposed to be my tool to help me with the depression a I feel is coming on so, today, having felt dreadful, suddenly I don't care as much about how it reads and I just what to say to something/someone, even if it IS just my computer screen, that I'm struggling.

Weekends are worst. Work structure helps me get through the week but on the weekend I am at home with my husband and my son and I don't know what to do with the day. Especially when it rains. Just getting going is difficult and I feel supremely tired and my limbs feel heavy.

Yesterday my husband (W) went out. He seldom does go out, leaving me at home with my three year-old (A), so I certainly didn't begrudge him the time. A is very much his dad's boy at the moment and gets upset when dad is not around. No sooner than W was out of the house than A began acting up and crying for him. There was nothing that I could do to distract him and I ended taking it all very personally and feeling like I was a bad mother because my son didn't like being alone with me. And then the thoughts wandered on to the new baby and what a mistake it was to be having another child when I couldn't even make it with the first one. Today, I felt utterly drained, exhausted, leaden-limbed, despite not doing very much the whole day.

For some, and for me, feeling depressed doesn't feel like sadness, it feels like emptiness. These past two weekend days my life has felt empty and meaningless, and, other than feeling generally worthless, I've felt quite numb. I look at other people and they seem to have a reason to live. I don't really get suicidal. A depressed state, for me, involves feelings of insignificance so that I believe that it would make no difference to anyone if I ceased to exist. And that insidious, growing belief translates itself into action, so I start to not participate in life.....and so the ball rolls.