Can't get too lonely and stressed

Long time no post. Busy - which is not a bad thing since there's less time for navel-gazing. But I also feel like I am living in some sort of truncated universe where evenings no longer exist. This is because I'm very tired. Thank goodness the nausea is over. I find it so difficult to imagine that, for some women, being pregnant is not very much different from not being pregnant. That they feel energetic, well, happy, not anxious. For me being pregnant feels like having a disease, or a parasite, on board. And I find it hard to feel excited about getting a baby at the end of it, especially as this is the second one. I know there will be sleep-deprivation, marital friction (because we'll both be tired and irritable), loneliness, frustration, and expense - and I can't pretend that there won't be.

I try not to think beyond today. I don't mean that I am not planning for the baby to an extent. I am rounding up baby equipment that I've loaned out, we're thinking of names, I've thought about when I'll stop work and I have conversations with my three-year-old about his new baby brother. But if I allow myself to think about having to wake up in the middle of the night and feed a new baby, I think I'll start to not cope. If I wonder about finding another job when I want to go back to work, I could get very down. Plenty of time to worry about that when it comes along. Living in the moment is something that I've become better at since I did the mindfulness meditation course. I try to see what I can do today to keep myself in the best mental and physical health that I can, and accept what I can't manage to do. Worry about the future is something I can do without. Conversations with my mother are also something I can do without, sometimes. I have a habit of getting into conversations about my aches and pains and about my worries for the future, with her, and often it's just best to avoid them.

My husband is a hemisphere away visiting his ill father for three weeks. I've had the whole Easter weekend alone with my son, who, thankfully, has been pretty well-behaved. I feel exhausted, though. When you are possibly sitting on the edge of a depression, little things can tip you over the edge. "Depression is insidious and you have to watch out," said a psychiatrist friend the other day, and I am glad to know that. Exhaustion can get me. Even the fact that I have to be ten minutes late for work while W is away, because I need to drop my son at daycare, can trigger low self esteem, guilt and low mood. It helps to be aware, but I'll also need to take breaks and take care that I don't get too tired, lonely, guilty or pressured. Tough one for me - don't like to ask for help. If I'm going to give avoiding depression my best shot, I'm going to have to do what it takes!