Procrastination is fed and watered by depression

I have a website www.pregnancy-depression-help.com that's developed out of my experiences of being depressed in pregnancy and postnatally, and of working in mother and baby psychiatry. My intention was to blog during any subsequent pregnancy and talk about my mood day by day.

Well, I'm now 18 weeks into my second pregnancy and this is my first post! Let's just say that pregnancy, low mood and motivation are not totally compatible. Procrastination is a key personality trait with me but depressed mood blows it up into a monster.

Knowing all that I know about depression in pregnancy.... how common it is, how it's not great for baby, how it makes you more likely to be depressed after baby is born.....somehow I thought that the knowledge would protect me from it second time around. Of course it can't, because depression is not something you can think your way out of, is it? "Doctor, heal thyself" - not followable advice for me in this instance, I'm afraid.

This pregnancy was unplanned but not unconsidered. We were talking about maybe having a sibling for number one child, but not right away. It was 'badly timed' - one month into a year's fixed term work contract so no long maternity leave and no job security for me - something to start the worry ball rolling.

And then began the 'morning sickness', a misnomer if there ever was one! More like all day sickness that gets worse in the evening. Granted, not everyone gets it to the same degree, but if you get it baaaad like I did (I'm talking dehydration and throwing up on a train platform) then feeling physically revolting kind of feeds those niggly thoughts of inadequacy, self-loathing and guilt that are the cornerstones of a depressed mood.

So, in short, I've not been feeling like the happiest bunny for at least 16 of the last 18 weeks. I haven't wanted to say 'I'm depressed' because then I'll have to start making decisions about doing something about it....ah, the indecision....another old depression 'friend'. But I've said, 'I think I might be teetering on the edge of a depression,' to my husband and a few trusted confidantes.

The signs are there, though it can be difficult to say whether I feel crap because my mood is low or because I've felt physically unwell for weeks on end. Diminished enjoyment of my life. Poor motivation. Poor concentration. Sometimes, disturbed sleep. Frequent feelings of self-contempt, failure, guilt and unworthiness. Increased irritability and a tendency to bicker with my husband. Thoughts that I look old, fat, unattractive - likely not true. Indecision and procrastination, the two shackles of depression, for me. Diminished interest in, hope for and planning for the future.
Not every day for two weeks straight - like psychiatrists define clinical depression. But definitely for a lot of the time, enough for me to feel like giving up on life sometimes.

It's good to write it down - stare at it all in black and white. Oh my, I feel a spark of motivation to DO something small about it all...... or has this been the doing for today?